Have you ever been nervous about offering someone feedback? You are not sure how it’s going to go or how they are going to feel about it. Are they going to feel angry? Hurt? Defensive?
Have you ever received feedback that has hit you like a ton of bricks or felt like a slap in the face? Maybe your first response is to feel angry you had not been offered the feedback sooner, as you could have easily made the change to fix the issue had you known. Or the feedback left you feeling supported, excited, encouraged, on top of the world, as high as a kite?
I have many confidential conversations with people about both offering and receiving feedback. We get to speak about the unspoken currency of feelings, emotions. Many people describe wanting to be able to ‘take feedback without getting defensive’. In other words, they want to be able to manage their emotions so they can be open to the feedback.
I was coaching a Leader recently and he shared that his team had been asked to provide anonymous feedback. He read the feedback, which included some personal attacks on him as a person, he described feeling ‘rattled’. Even weeks after reading the feedback, it still bothered him. The emotional impact of the feedback was huge. He read the feedback in just a few minutes, but he experienced the feedback feelings for weeks, and ‘didn’t know what to do with them’.
Imagine it’s 9:00am and your line Manager has asked to meet with you at 2:00pm as she has some feedback for you. Luckily for you, she lets you know it’s about the XYZ project. You think you are doing a good job but doubt creeps in and you start to experience a bit of a knot in your stomach, and your mind starts racing. You are finding it hard to focus on the tasks at hand. You turn up for your meeting at 2:00pm as agreed, but she is held up, so your meeting is pushed out to 10:00am, tomorrow. You don’t sleep well.
Anxiety
Anxiety is an emotion characterised by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure.
Worry
Worry is described as a chain of negative thoughts about bad things that might happen in the future.
Dread
Dread occurs frequently in response to high probability negative events. Its magnitude increases as the dreaded event draws nearer.
When you finally have the meeting with your line Manager the following day, she happily lets you know your performance on XYZ project has been noted, and there is an exciting new opportunity for you if you are interested.
Relief
Relief is the feeling of tension leaving the body and being able to breathe more easily. Thoughts of the worst being over and being safe for the moment, resting and wanting to get onto something else. (Such a great definition!)
Calm
Calm is creating perspective and mindfulness while managing emotional reactivity.
Excitement
Excitement is described as an energised state of enthusiasm leading up to or during an enjoyable activity.