‘I plan what I’m going to say in advance, and how I’m going to offer the feedback. I offer the feedback, and I’m not afraid of that part. But, I don’t want the other person to feel bad, so immediately after I offer the feedback I keep talking. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I hear myself apologising to the other person, and trying to make them feel better, at the same time being annoyed with myself that I’m doing it’.
I asked him about the cost of doing this.
‘It muddles the message. It reduces the impact of my message. Logically I know I shouldn’t do it’.
‘I find the whole thing rather stressful.’
‘I question myself as a leader.’
‘My belief is - a successful feedback conversation is one where it finished with warm friendly banter.’
‘I believe I need to end feedback conversations on a warm note.’
‘I need to be seen as successful in everything I do, including feedback conversations and maintaining relationships.’
‘To be honest, I think I need my team members to like me.’
We discussed his beliefs and how they may be holding him back. He quality-checked how useful they are in his current role of leading a high-performing team. He had a few light bulb moments! He tweaked a few and replaced a few with new, more useful beliefs.
He gave himself permission to stop apologising.
He realised he was trying to mind-read and guess what the other person was thinking and feeling.
He was making assumptions about what other people thought about receiving feedback.
He stopped trying to be responsible for the emotions of others.
He realised in some ways, he was making the experience about his needs, and his discomfort.
To give the other person the opportunity to process and respond to the feedback by giving them the space – in other words, shutting up and sitting in silence with them.
In a feedback conversation, to move from me talking 80% of the time, to 50% of the time.
To increase the number of questions I ask the other person before and after I offer the feedback from about three questions to six or more questions.
To allow myself to sit in my uncomfortable feelings and even leave the room with the discomfort if that is appropriate.
To use the three Cool Down Conversations to check in with the other person, so I don’t have to wonder how they are going after the conversation, I can get back to focusing on my tasks.