‘Sally’ (not her real name), a Leader, shared a fascinating feedback story that is both shocking and useful!
‘Six years ago, when I was about 27 and I worked somewhere else, I had a manager who I found to be incredibly micromanaging. A simple example was she would never read my documents in full, instead, she would read it one sentence at a time out loud and make me change it sentence by sentence. It was getting really frustrating, and I started looking for another job. I was offered a decent position with a different organisation, but I actually loved my role and the organisation, and I didn’t really want to leave. I asked for a meeting with her. I remember I was really nervous when I sat down in her office and said, "I love working here, but I'm really struggling with our communication. Do you think we could work on improving our relationship because I don't feel like I'm doing a good enough job and I'm unclear about what you need from me." It was a really hard conversation for me to initiate because she was my manager. I will never forget her response; she said to me, "Well, that sounds like a you problem."
She then lectured me about how she likes to lead and her expectations. I felt invisible. Then she told me that if I wanted to leave because I was unhappy with her, it was a reflection on me and not on her. I felt really disappointed and told her that I had been offered another position, but I was hoping to repair things. She wasn’t interested and confirmed my decision to leave by saying, “I don't really need you. I'm going to be CEO one day. I've done the hard yards here.”
Sally left soon after that conversation and is a respected Leader now. I asked her to reflect on her learnings from the ‘That sounds like a you problem’ experience:
It’s not about me, it’s about us. ‘When any of my team members give me feedback, I ask them about their experience, not just talk about mine. The ‘That sounds like a you problem’ conversation was the least heard I've ever felt in my life. She didn’t acknowledge me. It was just about her. On reflection, it was a great example of how not to take feedback’.
I ask myself what part I might play in this. ‘When my team give me feedback, my first thought is, "Am I contributing to this in some way?" I can hear what they have to say and reflect on my own behaviour and make a change. I ask them, "Why do you feel like that?"
Listen, listen listen… ‘If someone in my team has the courage to come to talk to me about a hard topic, I listen to what they say. I listen without saying anything. I just take it in, process it, reflect on it, before I say anything in reply. I want them to feel heard, not invisible like I felt’.
PS – Six years later and the ‘That sounds like a you problem’ manager is still not CEO!